On Clarity

It is extremely unsettling to have the weightiest things in life just tossed up in the air, completely under the universe’s control, whim even. I quake at the thought of not getting to settle where I want to be, of not getting to be passionate and happy and grateful with what I do with my life.

I consider the offer of a scholarship for another design degree, if only circumstances will allow it. I consider advertising; poverty; insignificance. I consider the options I left behind—I am still good at numbers after all.

I am relieved to find a clear line between the things I want to do and the things I don’t want to do. I also find that there are some things I am willing to do now for the sake of getting closer to where I ultimately want to be. That much is clear. I am grateful for this clarity. Clarity brings about decision, direction, movement, change, and hopefully in the end, goodness.

I tell myself to wait patiently; to be faithful to my Provider. I remind myself of the things I seem to have forgotten: courage, boldness, ruthlessness, and above all, love. I realize now more than ever that my love for truth, beauty, and humanity is what binds me to this path I’ve chosen. I tell myself I have to continue to love this, even as it shows its face, to get to where I want to be. I tell myself to keep on doing what my heart yearns for until I find myself settled. I tell myself to pay attention to this clarity, which can always be found in my heart, my honest compass.

Happiness in this regard is such hard work, but until then, there is so much else to be grateful for.